Mothers have this uncanny knack for cutting each other down. “I can’t believe you demand-feed.” “Are you going to breastfeed forever?” “I would never put my child in day care.” On the list goes and, more and more, mothers feel like they’re doing the wrong things with their children.
I had never heard of demand-feeding or scheduling before I got pregnant. I suppose I’d always been around schedulers and just thought that’s what everyone did, but as I read in preparation for a new baby, I discovered that certainly isn’t the case, and that the arguments between the two camps are often mean-spirited and don’t do a very good job of helping you make a decision. Which ever decision you make, someone’s going to make you feel like it’s the wrong one.
For those of you who have never had the joy of being involved in a demand-feeding vs. scheduling debate, I offer a brief overview:
Demand-feeding dictates that an infant should be fed around-the-clock, or “on demand,” whenever the child indicates hunger. Often, demand-feeders have a “family bed,” (allow the child to sleep with them at night, which only makes sense considering how often he has to eat!). Children who are demand-fed may eat every 2-3 hours, or every half-hour, depending on his/her desires.
Scheduling, or “parent-directed feeding,” dictates that a child can be taught to eat on a schedule, or, at least, at generally the same time every day. Schedulers do not put their children on a rigid schedule beginning at birth, as medical evidence is clear that newborns need to eat whenever they indicate hunger. After the first few weeks, however, the mother begins to guide her child into a schedule, beginning with feedings every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, and eventually (around the 6-7 month mark), every 4 hours. Schedulers usually have the child sleeping in his own crib after around 8 weeks or so, once the child drops the “middle of the night” feeding.
There are those who “abuse the systems.” There are demand-feeders who (if you’ll pardon the phrase) shove a boob in the child’s mouth every time he peeps. There are schedulers who refuse to feed until “it’s time,” and, thus, leave the child screaming until the clock says it’s meal time. I’m not talking about these people.
I’m referring to those who use either demand-feeding or scheduling as a guide to get through the first year.
I’m a scheduler. For the first few weeks after my son was born, I fed him when he showed signs of hunger. He was able to eat around-the-clock in the womb, and it was my job to make sure he got to keep that up until he was adjusted (at least somewhat!) to life outside the womb. After two weeks or so, I began to slowly guide him into eating every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. This was not difficult as, because I had been ensuring that he was getting “full feedings” at each sitting, he naturally was able to go 2 1/2 to 3 hours between feedings. My job, at this point, was easy. After a month I began feeding him at 7 am every day. This was our first attempt at getting him on a “schedule.” We slowly worked our way to eating at 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm, and once in the middle of the night. By 9 weeks, he dropped the “middle of the night” feeding on his own. He just slept right through it! We stayed on this schedule until he was four months old.
At around four months, I began having to wake him up during the day to eat. We then went to a 3 1/2 hour schedule. He ate at 7am, 10:30am, 2pm, 5:30pm, 8pm, and 11pm. I then moved the 11pm feeding back to 10pm, and he didn’t even notice! At around six months we moved to a 4 hour schedule. I gradually moved his morning feeding (by 15 minutes every few days) until he was eating at 8am each morning. He then began eating at 8am, 12pm, 4pm, and 8pm. In order to keep up my milk supply, I ended up having to add a 10pm feeding, even though he was sleeping 11 1/2 hours at night.
Thankfully, my lactation consultant is a schedule-supporter. It is hard trying to find breastfeeding advice that goes along with scheduling. I can’t help but wonder if breastfeeding support groups were more open to scheduling, that more women would stick with breastfeeding longer. Come on, how many people do you know are able to handle being a 24-hour buffet for a year or more? Scheduling certainly helps with being able to go out without your child and – praise the lord!!! - to sleep for 8 hour stretches!
One of the major misconceptions about those who schedule are that we are persistent clock-watchers who starve our children if it’s not “time” to eat. I’m sure some people do this, but I find it appalling. The vast majority of schedulers use the clock as a guide. Once your child adjusts to the schedule, however, you can actually set the clock by your child! My little one wakes up when it’s time to eat and starts rubbing his eyes around 15 minutes or so before nap time. I don’t set the schedule anymore – he does. It just so happens that he gets hungry at 8am, 12pm, 4pm, 8pm, and 10pm and sleepy at 10am, 2pm, 6pm, and 8:30pm. Viola! I think it’s funny that my demand-feeding friends are amazed when I go lay my little one down for a nap and he goes to sleep. No fuss, no crying, no food…he just goes to sleep, because he knows it’s time to sleep!
Look, I’m not a demand-feeder. I would absolutely pull my hair out if I was still having to get up at night to feed my little one. I would be a bad mother if I tried to demand-feed because I would be sleep-deprived and resentful – my life would be chaotic. I am equally certain that there are plenty of demand-feed moms who would be horrible mothers if they tried to schedule. I think this is what we need to remember – none of us are hurting our children, whether we demand or schedule-feed. My child is healthy, well-adjusted, and an absolute dream to be around. My demand-feed mommy friends have children who are almost 
as wonderful as mine.
What I don’t understand is why we can’t debate the pros and cons of scheduling vs. demand-feeding without implying that the other party is hurting her child. Why are moms so hard on each other?
